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By Any Means
Dana forgot all of her safety measures walking to her car. Darkness draped the parking lot, even though it couldn’t be any later than 7pm. A million things ran through her head and getting into her car without incident wasn’t one of them. She almost skipped to the car with joy with her purchase: her turkey. This would be last time she would wait so late. Stupid flu. Her weeklong recovery had thrown all of her holiday plans off but tonight, hope filled her heart. Maybe she could get everything back on track.
She stopped at the back driver passenger, balancing the 20.27 lb turkey in her arms like a baby, shifting the bags of other things she had purchased to one hand and dug in her purse for her car keys. She heard the footsteps behind her, but since the parking lot was full of other cars of people no doubt scavenging for last minute items, she assumed it someone else walking to their car. By the time she realized that the footsteps had slowed to almost a stop, something cold and hard pressed into the back of her head. Fear washed over her and she sucked in her breath.
“I don’t want to hurt you.” A man’s voice said from behind her. There was something about his voice that terrified her. She heard the same lilt of desperation she had heard in her own voice when she had told her mother-in-law not to worry about the turkey being burnt. It was the same tone she had used to beg her husband to go and pick up the turkey while she was still sick in bed. But he didn’t. And the same tone had used to beg her children to stop drawing turkeys on the wall because she was too weak to get up.
In her fear, she vaguely remembered something about being car jacked…something about throwing the keys one direction and running the other. And she remembered the news stories about the most stolen cars. Since she was standing between her Honda Accord - number one on the most stolen list - and the shopping cart return, Dana couldn’t out run a bullet. So she just dropped her keys on the ground.
“You can have to car. You take the keys and I’ll walk away,” she said, frantically searching for a way to escape. The man’s gruff and wild laugh surprised her and she shuddered. She felt the gun slide up and down the back of head in time with his chuckle.
“What?” he asked.
“I said, you can-” Dana started, but didn’t get to finish.
“Shut up!” The man yelled. Dana winced. Other shoppers in the parking lot looked in her direction, but when they saw the gun, they quickly jumped in their cars.
“I don’t want your car. Give me the turkey.”
Fear turned to shock. This can’t be happening. Who gets car jacked the day before Thanksgiving for their turkey? She had drove all over the city looking for a turkey big enough to feed all her guests. This store, the last one on her list, ended up being an oasis instead of a last resort. Ten other people had stood around the cold case with her in the meat section, which made the scene feel more like bobbing for apples instead of trolling for turkeys. Most remaining stock weighed either nine or ten pounds, way too small. Determined, she kept digging, her fingers numb. And the dig paid off. At the bottom of the case, she found the turkey she was now holding. A very animalistic shriek came from her soul and out of her mouth as she hoisted it up from the case.
She walked out the store amidst congratulations and applause feeling like Miss America. There would be no hassling from her mother-in-law. She had found her turkey. Now all she had to do was go home and quick thaw the turkey in some cold water. She could forgo marinating it. A huge sacrifice but one she was willing to make. All that matter was she had what she came for. She wouldn’t go home without a turkey, gun or no.
“Sir, I’m sorry. You can’t have the turkey,” she said. She kept her tone soft but firm, like when she was trying to convince her sons to clean their rooms before things escalated into ugliness
“Lady, I have a gun,” he said, pressing the gun harder into the back of her head. And at that point, she would rather die and go to heaven than to face her mother-in-law without a turkey.
Fear sharpened her thoughts as she tried to think of something, anything that would result in her going home with her turkey and her life.
“Have you thought about serving Cornish hens instead?” She turned to face to man, trying to hide her surprise at her stroke of genius.. Dana recognized him as one of the other shoppers trolling in the turkey cold case in the store. He must have followed her out.
“Cornish hens are lot less expensive than turkeys,” she continued. “And they are a lot more elegant than turkey. They add a little something different to Thanksgiving. Breaks up the monotony of having turkey every year.”
The man grew quiet. “Hmmm, I didn’t think about that.” Then he pulled out his cell phone, pressed a button and put the phone to his ear.
“Hon, what about Cornish hens?” he asked. Almost before he could finish the statement, Dana could hear yelling coming from the phone as he held it away from the phone.
“OK, OK, honey. I’ll get the turkey. I know, 20lbs.” He snapped the phone closed and brought his attention back to Dana and thrust the gun at her.
“No, that won’t work. It has to be the turkey.”
He wore a brown leather jacket and a button up shirt, ordinary except for the wildness in his eyes.
“Sir, you don’t understand. My mother-in-law is coming and I won’t live it down if I don’t have a 20 lb turkey,” she said.
“No, you don’t understand.” He drew out the word you while jabbing his finger at her. ” My brother-in-law and his snooty wife are coming and nothing we ever do is good enough for them. If I don’t have a turkey, I have to suffer through a whole day of their complaining. I can’t live through that. I just want to watch the game in peace.”
“Well, why not buy a turkey breast, slice it on and place it on a platter before they get there?”
“No, no no. Shelly’s spoiled brat of a son has to have a drumstick,” he mumbled. They both grew silent, no more bargaining to be done. A small crowd had formed around the door of the grocery store.
“Look, I don’t want to hurt you, but I have to have that turkey. I have a gun, by the way.” he said, shaking it at her. “Aren’t you afraid?”
“You’ve never met my mother-in-law.” She snapped. The man lowered the gun a little. And Dana was hit with another brilliant idea. The man’s plight saddened her, but she gritted her teeth and squashed the compassion she felt for him.
“Listen, why not one of those pre-cooked turkey dinners?” she asked.
His eyebrows shot up. “I never thought of that, either.” And when he pulled out his phone to call his wife again, Dana sprang into action. She dropped her bags of groceries, slipped the loop of netting used to carry the turkey over her hand, hefted the turkey and swung. The turkey connected with the gun knocking it out of the man’s hand.
“What the…” The man managed to say before Dana regained her balanced from the momentum of the turkey and swung again. The turkey slammed into the man’s midsection and he exhaled like he was blowing out birthday candles and doubled over. Dana brought the turkey up again and swung again, but missed. The turkey hit the back of her car. The sound of the frozen turkey hitting the car reminded her the time she hit a deer.
She heard cheers, but she didn’t stop to process the fact that they were coming from the people in standing in front of the store and in the parking lot. She snatched up her groceries, opened her car door, and threw the groceries and the turkey in the front passenger seat. She started her car, but screamed when the man came up and started banging on her window.
“Give me the turkey! Give me the turkey!” He continued to yell, but she threw the car in reverse. The man dove out of the way just in time before the front end of the car crashed into the cart return. Dana put the car in drive, nicking a grocery cart as her tires screeched when she sped off. The man hit the trunk of her car with his hand and ran halfway down the parking lot isle before giving up. Dana laughed hysterically and rolled down the window and as she sped out of the parking lot.
“I hope you find a turkey!” She yelled with delirious cheer. “Happy Thanksgiving!”